I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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