I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize