Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
