Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
