Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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