I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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