sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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