remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
