Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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