A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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