listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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