be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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