Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
