just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
But break dance skills will only take you so far
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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