"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
