she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
