i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
So. Much. Porn.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
