bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize