i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
