yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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