Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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