I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize