i think my tv is drunk
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
