i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The uberlube is also flammable
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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