my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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