Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
