I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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