I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize