Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize