I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
