I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
