K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
