turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
