Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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