Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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