she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think people are normalizing furries
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize