Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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