My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
