I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
