you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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