Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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