You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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