oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
