so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
