You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
