we're blogging at a bar
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
