Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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