I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
