i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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