my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I FOUND THE LEGS
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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