...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
