He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
