A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
