No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
