i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
