What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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