I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
