2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
