I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
